Thursday, July 18, 2013

Matt

Seen waiting for the Purple Line to Linden at about 8:15 a.m.

My mom hates this shirt. When I Skype with her, she says I’m too old to have an adorable kitten displayed across my chest. I respectfully disagree with her. For one thing, she doesn’t get the whole hipster irony of it all. More importantly, though, I need this shirt to attract the cat ladies.

I have this theory that cat-loving women are better to date than dog-loving women, simply because women take after the animals they adore. Women with dogs constantly demand your attention. Sure, they’re always happy to see you, but maybe a little too happy. They become obsessive, zealously loyal. You might think it’d be easy to treat such a woman however you want. But when you’ve done something wrong—like you didn’t text her all day, or you just don’t feel like cuddling—she’ll make these big, sad, watery eyes at you, bat her lashes and ask, “don’t you love me anymore?” It’s pitiful.

Cat ladies are far superior. They’re independent. They don’t need you to be involved in every aspect of their lives. Hell, they don’t even want you to be involved in every aspect of their lives. They certainly don’t care where you are most of the time. Cat ladies want exactly what I want out of a relationship: sex, and maybe grabbing a bite to eat together sometimes.

For those of you about to accuse me of misogyny—or, metaphorically, animal cruelty—you can stop right there. I don’t begrudge dog-loving women their love of dogs. They can be who they are. I don’t care. I just don’t want to date them. I guess you could accuse me of gross generalization. But that’s why it’s a theory, not a rule. When it stops working for me, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, do you have some quarters? I have to wash this shirt tonight.

Tonight I'm going to see Shakespeare in the park with Gena! It's a production of Twelfth Night done in the style of a 60's beach party movie. As an avid gogo dancer, I couldn't be more thrilled. 

2 comments:

  1. I love the last sentence of the first paragraph. I totally read it in a hilarious pickup line voice, with a quick eyebrow wiggle on "cat".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, yeah. He's supposed to be kind of a skeezy guy.

      Delete

Please leave a comment! It always makes my day.