Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Seen waiting for the Brown Line to Kimball at about 8:30 a.m.

Good morning and welcome to the game of confusing careers—


Our contestant today is straight from the Windy City, Chicago, Illinois. Please welcome Roy Donoghue! How’re you doing this morning, Roy?


A little grumpy today, are we? Haha! That’s quite alright, friend. I’d be grumpy if I lived in a city with weather like Chicago’s, too.

Okay, with introductions out of the way, it’s time to—


I’d like our studio audience to study Roy’s appearance. Observe the short-sleeve white dress shirt. Observe the thick, horn-rimmed glasses, the neglected buzz cut. Observe the lines ingrained in the corners of his eyes and mouth. (No offense, friend.)

Ready to play? Great! Here we go: do you think that Roy Donoghue is—

A) An ice cream salesman
B) A 1950’s basketball coach
C) A gardener

Thirty seconds on the clock, and…go!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Time’s up! Let’s go through the answers.

If you guessed A, an ice cream salesman, you are…ohhh! I’m sorry, you’re incorrect. Perhaps you missed the key clue on this one: no bowtie! You can’t be an ice cream salesman without a bowtie. Besides, can you imagine that grouchy mug dealing with kids all day? (No offense, friend.)

Onto answer B, a 1950’s basketball coach. That is…also incorrect! Though Roy’s peevish demeanor makes this answer more fitting, I’m afraid it’s wrong. Did the glasses throw you off? He may look like he’d spend his days devising drills and screaming at the teenage boys of Rydell High, but Roy is, in fact…

C! A gardener. Seems to be the most unlikely option, doesn’t it? Can’t judge a book by its cover. Roy inherited his gardening business from his mother, if that helps explain things. His thumb appears more gnarled than green, but maybe he enjoys the solitude of it all.

That’s all the time we have for today. We’ll see you next time on—


I have literally no idea why I wrote this story like a game show. I was trying to think of a story for this man, and I kept getting stuck on the idea that he either looked like an ice cream salesman or a 1950's basketball coach, so I decided to go with both. Please read this story in Bill Hader's SNL gameshow host voice


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