Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Successful Cannibal

Seen waiting for the Red Line to 95th at about 8:30 a.m.

The man had a belly of Hitchcockian proportions that jiggled when he breathed, which he always did calmly and evenly. He was the model of assurance; he knew that he was in control. He wore a too-short tie and a fur cap that covered his ears. As he approached the meaty woman, he licked his lips.

“Excuse me, ma’am. May I eat you?”

The woman turned to face him. “What?”

“I said, ‘may I eat you?’”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me. I’m hungry. It’s perfectly natural.”

“Fuck off.”

“May I ask why you won’t let me eat you?”

She leaned forward and pushed her angry face towards his, which was completely composed. “You can’t eat me, sir, because I am a human being! With a life! And a job! And I don’t feel like ending all that right now. I suspect most other human beings feel the same.”

“You’d be surprised. What do you do at your job?”

The woman had not been expecting this line of inquiry. “I work at Burger King.”

“Is that what you want to do? Is it your dream job?”

“No! Of course not. I’m not stupid.”

“Certainly not. But why aren’t you doing what you want to do?”

“Well…lots of reasons. There was this guy, so I put off college—”

“And do you have anyone else now? A man in your life to love you? A woman? Children?”

“No. There’s no one.”

He took her hand and massaged it between his moist palms. “How old are you?”

Her eyes flicked to the ground. “I’ll be forty next week.”

“I see.” The man wrapped his pudgy arm around the small of her back. “What would you say if I could give you a purpose? If I could make you appreciated more than you ever have been?”

“I guess…I guess I’d say, ‘tell me more.’”

“That’s what I like to hear.” He kissed her forehead and ran his tongue along her earlobe. “You, my dear, are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.” 

Oh, you know. Cannibalism. Such a cheerful topic. Tonight: gogo class graduation. Gotta go rock some isis wings

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